New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.
Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs