nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper

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New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”


Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.


Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.


Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.

Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.


Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.


Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.


Just for the record … the medical term for injecting disinfectants into the body is called “embalming”.


[3 guys corner me in an alley]

3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit


I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.


why is it ok for adults to dress in the jerseys of their team when they go to games but weird when i show up to the doctor dressed in scrubs