nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
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How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Why do they put stools in bars? They’re like the tipsiest type of sitting utensil
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
People often name their kids after their favourite movie characters. I don’t know why my daughter Chewbacca is so upset with me.
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
😏😏😏
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
guy: my dog just died
girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
My cousin’s kid had some raffle at her school, I have no idea what for, all I know is she asked me to buy a ticket, so I did, long story short I now own a crossbow.
establish dominance at work by drinking iced tea in a wine glass
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
For every basket of laundry you put away, two more appear
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
daddy yankee wouldn’t approve of these gasolina prices