Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*

Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach

Kids today don’t know what hardship is. When I was younger I sometimes had to wait ALL DAY for MTV to play my favorite video.

When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.

Hung out with some new people and after they left my girlfriend said, “…What if we had some kind of hand signal for when you should stop talking?”

“Today’s your day off, Mama. You don’t have to do anything for me. I’ll do everything except drive.”

– my 4yo eating the breakfast I made him, wearing the clothes I picked out, and getting ready to go to the store to buy craft supplies for his big idea

I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”

Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir

Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves

The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing

If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.

Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace

Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs

Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!

I know I sound like a broken record but tomorrow I’ll sound like a misfiring engine and, next week, continuous loud television static.

me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk

boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days

My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.

I have a lot of opinions for someone who is never completely sure of today’s date

There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times

Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.

NYC parks department on naked Trump statue: “NYC Parks stands firmly against any unpermitted erection in city parks, no matter how small.”

Netflix has such a dead movie selection, no wonder half the time everyone just starts having sex instead

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?

If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing

I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.

“dance like no one is watching, walk like someone is behind you trying to get around you.” – ancient nyc proverb

American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom