Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dang it, I looked at my phone for a second while driving and now I don’t know what road I’m on. Maybe I’ll ask this talky fellow on my hood.

Florida is about to release millions of genetically modified mosquitoes.

I hope when they bite you they make you drive better.

English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”

ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.

[One hour past bedtime]

[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!

Me: YES?

3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.

Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.

3:

Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.

Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.

Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.

[3am]

me: *sleeping*

brain: omg you’re late for work!

me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*

brain: lmao you’re so gullible

”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬

Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:

“holy crap….um guys?!” – the first caterpillar to wake up out of a cocoon

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.

As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

I set my clocks back last night but since then, they haven’t stopped. It is currently 170 million years BC. Pterodactyls attack endlessly. The air is thick with screams. Blockbuster video are doing an amazing three night movie rental for just £5.99.

*I gently close front door

Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!

we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed

They say kids grow up fast but I just licked my thumb & wiped my son’s face so parents grow up fast too. I’ve already become my grandmother.

At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts

I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting

Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.

My Dyslexic Cat thinks she has ” P ” no. of lives.

I’d grill your cheese.

~me, flirting

I have a dream that my son will one day live in a nation where he will not be judged by the size of his boat but by the motion of his ocean.

[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.

Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex

Still complaining about the guy with a million followers taking credit for your tweets? Never had a boss have you?

A lady from the Texas tax office just told me that there was no way I could screw up the form I need to fill out. I feel like that’s just a failure of imagination on her part.

Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.

At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.