Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
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I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
It hasn’t rained in so long that the grass resembles shredded wheat. So maybe I should just add milk instead of water…
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
I forgot to pick up a 10mg gummy I dropped on the ground in my backyard last night and this morning it was covered in ants and I just can’t even imagine the day those little guys are about to have
What’s the matter, babe? You’ve barely touched your spaghetti cube.
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors
So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
I keep all my crystals charged in case I get stressed out and need to transfer negative energy, and this seems completely sane and normal until I tell another adult human and see the look on their face
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Blind guy: I love this half-sandwich restaurant.
Me: What do you mean? This place only serves whole-
Service dog: *puts a paw on my lips*
If anyone’s looking for a new podcast recommendation, check out the one I listened to over the weekend. Can’t remember what it was called but it offered a fascinating insight into its chosen topic. Well worth a listen if you get a chance 👍
Me: who wants to help me name my new cat?
Friend: count me out
Me: wow, strong opener! *pronouncing as I write* Count… Meow
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
I have this problem where I keep buying stuffed animals for my anxiety but then my grandparents steal them
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.