Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
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If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
You have hopes and dreams. I have nopes and screams.
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Tuna = the chicken of the sea, worms = the noodles of the ground, Penguins = butlers of the south.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
I was blinded by a goddamn deer with a shiny red nose… No, officer, I haven’t been drinking
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
Squirrel Thoughts
They’re just poppy seeds Kevin I don’t need an intervention.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
Grind me like corn, so I know it’s meal.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
“He was the most alive of cats, he was the most dead of cats.”
– first line of Schrödinger’s “A Tale of Two Kitties”