Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above

Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.

I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.

I think I might be ready to start dating again?

Husband:

Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉

My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER

Me: yeah ;(

The most terrifying part of swimming in the ocean isn’t the sharks, it’s leaving your phone on the beach.

“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”

Pretty burnt out on the typical lead female in a book who can do anything, and every man wants her. How about a middle aged woman who has had two gin & tonics by 5:30, is wearing sweats, and is glad there’s leftovers so she doesn’t have to cook yes this tweet is oddly specific.

I’ve been saying I’ll sleep when I’m dead for so long, I’m starting to really look forward to dying.

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van

If Tetris has taught me anything it’s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.

When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.

Writes “He owed me $50” in funeral guest book.

Me: Please throw your trash away.

Child: I’m too tired!!

Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]

You’re invited to my Oscar party! The theme is movie star cuisine which means there won’t be any food.

Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?

Lawyer:

*gains winter weight for “insulation”

*is now fat and cold

Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.

“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”

– me, walking my dog at night

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.

Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-

Him: Stop singing to the mustard

Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.

What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.

“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”

*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*

Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.

Dear life:

If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.

I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”