Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”

Me: *dances*

Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”

Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend

Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.

Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea

My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door

I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.

What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?

Everyone thinks they’re a badass until seaweed brushes their leg.

You never say “I love you” back

Tater tots:

I removed my birthday from Facebook, and now I keep fooling people randomly by saying that it’s my birthday today.

Monica just destroyed the internet

Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.

[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!

Me: Oh

Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*

…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.

Recruiter (calling me at work): Are you able to talk?

Me: Since the age of two.

i totally get why leonardo dicaprio is trying to save the environment for future generations (they could be his girlfriend)

I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday

I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.

My pappy died in the sea. Not even his old chum could save him. In fact, that’s exactly what brought the sharks in the first place

Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive

boss: i’m always so impressed by you.

me: awww, wow thanks. why?

boss: bc you show up & do your work.

me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.

Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.

My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.