Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.

The most rebellious thing about me is that I refuse to cover my super white legs no matter how many people I blind with them

I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12, and my body possibly died during the civil war.

It is kind of inspiring that I messed up my life without drugs, gambling or a troubled youth. People really can do anything.

*first day as zookeeper

(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”

I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.

Friend: How long till school starts?

Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.

Parents: when naming a boy, consider using a king’s name, like Mattress or Burger.

[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky

[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.

the best thing i’ve ever made

It’s almost as if the kids at this campsite don’t get how funny it is that I bust in their tent at 4am wearing a clown suit & holding an ax.

My wife’s returning today after an 8-day trip, so I should probably dampen the kitchen sponge and re-position it.

We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.

Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.

sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 😭

Louis Lane “there is no way broccoli is a superfood!”
Broccoli *takes spectacles off*
Louis Lane “My God! Look, it’s a superfood!”

The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.

adding ‘full stop’ to the end of a sentence makes your statement seem more important. for example, “will somebody please help me fight this mountain lion in my kitchen, full stop.”

I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?

Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head

I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.

Me: Day 5,308. The search for intelligent life continues..

Coworker: You know we can hear you, right?

Me: Still no signs…

Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.

Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum

I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.

boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means

me: it must be Wednesday