Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A baby bear catches snowflakes.

I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.

If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.

German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.

Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.

I never know how much to tip a cow.

Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,

Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”

Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.

“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag

Just unzipped skirt and my real stomach poured out. Exercise my sister says but life is too short to be running when nothing is pursuing you

I always order shredded iceberg lettuce on my Subway sandwich because I know my lap is probably hungry too

hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins

Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.

My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.

This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…

[God creating the stingray]

Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”

If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”

Fortune Teller: I see a trip in your future
Me [cancelling a week-long trip to Peru]: haha nope. wrong, idiot.
[fall down stairs as I leave]

Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.

Think you know guilt?

*takes long drag on cigarette*

I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.

*exhales*

I hear Simba’s screams every night.

“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”

The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.

It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.

*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf

Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before

date: I’m an archaeologist

me: my career is also in ruins

FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

Bro what is this

Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned

who can I pay to hit me in the head with a baseball bat so I go into a coma for exactly 2 weeks and one day