Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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they’re putting me through the penny flattening machine at the zoo
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
the wife told me that we’re invited to a country themed party so I’m wearing this
“Shall we proofread this before posting?”
“Fuck it.”
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
i opened a savings account in 2008 with a $25 deposit. i’ve watched the money grow over the last decade, and though i’ve been tempted, i’ve left it alone. now i have $27.96, enough to retire on. take note.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”
uh oh we better all stand up for the old man in the dress who bangs a tiny hammer down or he might decide that we have to live in a cage
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
Objection your honor, if the prosecutor doesn’t have anything nice to say then he shouldn’t say anything at all
To make up for all the junk I ate over the weekend, I plan to run 86 miles today.
*pointing at menu* this is nutrient free right? does this come nutrient free?
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
ME: *hands a hundred dollar bill to a dog groomer and points at my head* just try your best