Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified

I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber

[Giving directions in America]

Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th

[Directions in England]

Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest

Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.

Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas

“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”

Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy

MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.

Wife: what are you doing

Me: teaching the dog poker

Wife: where are your pants

Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago

I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.

Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.

Why are the states most in need of abortion so against it?

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.

Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.

The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.

Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam

my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.

So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.

Old Hollywood bloopers are a thing of beauty.

Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes

(before ceiling fans were invented)

*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*

Narrator: There has to be a better way…

[first time skydiving]

me: oh no my charcuterie board

ACCOUNTANT: So you want to write off 5000 bat-shaped boomerangs??
BATMAN, intense voice: They’re essential for my war on crime!
ACCOUNTANT: That’s fine, but claiming *boomerangs* as an *unrecoverable* business expense…
BATMAN, normal voice: Oh yeah, no, yeah, I see your point.