Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
You Might Also Like
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
[Interview]
“Describe yourself in one word.”
Me: Lethargic.
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
I think I speak for all of us when I say I’m being presumptuous.
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.
It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
(after first date)
*Hey, can you recommend any of your friends.
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
Wife : A jogger was murdered in the park last night.
Me : Well that’s all the motivation I need. *Goes for a jog in the park*
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins