Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS

Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder

I’m not racist. White people scare me too.

Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.

[Out at a restaurant and police officers walk by our table]

Me: Hey kids, say hi to the police.

6yo: Are these the guys you told me yesterday to not tell that you went through a red light?

The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute

you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous

I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you

My son came home for spring break with all clean clothes and doesn’t need me to do his laundry and I am just so very, very confused.

[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK

The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that

I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.

We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.

Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?

Date:

Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her

[robbing a bank]

Bank teller: *slides over money* here you go

Me: *slides it back* can I make a deposit

If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

Guy: Are you pregnant?

Me: No, I’m a Ninja Turtle with my shell on BACKWARDS.

Guy: …..

Me: Cowabunga, douche!

Woman love a men with good grammar

Make there knees week by writing them a love letter or too.

[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]

Bedtime.

Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.

If my funeral is open casket my only request is that I have cucumber slices over my eyes.

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.

If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.

Dirty cop: yeah I’m in with the scum, but I held my nose and now I’m rolling in it

Clean cop: good god Harold, go take a shower

Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.

the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do

Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things

Also me:

Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.