Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
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Being the parent of a 7 yr old boy, I have washed many odd things when I forgot to check his pockets, but today wins: an entire potato.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
The year is 2035.
The only movies are superhero reboots.
Anyone caught looking up from their phone is fined $100.
Attacked by a mop.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
People on diet aren’t mad at you. They’re mad at their lunch
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
I wonder what Cannibals & Aztecs would say, watching civilized people eat symbolic hearts of loved ones on Valentine’s Day.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
“Why you watching this shit?”
Had a tiny prick in my gums today at the dentist
Anyway, thought of you
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors
Witness: … she said it, exactly so… verbatim.
Judge: *checks notes* Who the heck is Verb and who did he eat?!
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour