Nothing says ‘I love you’ like an echo chamber
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I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
NOBODY:
AMERICAN: *deep fries a hippo*
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
Sure you call it a college fund for your kid, yet deep in your heart you know it’s bond money.
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
[Masterchef]
Gordon Ramsay: describe the dish
Me: *proudly* ceramic, chef
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
God: “MOSES. THIS IS THE LORD. I HAVE NEWS FOR YOUR PEOPLE.”
Moses: “New burning bush. Who dis?”
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
I wrote to the Bank: “My Cheque was returned with remark ‘Insufficient funds’. I want to know whether it refers to mine or the Bank?”
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
[first day as a waiter]
me: may I recommend the steak?
customer: yes ok
me: thanks. I recommend the steak
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.