Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
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My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
St Peter: welcome to the afterlife
me: damn… there’s more?
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
“Hi. My name is Jeff and I’m an alcoholic_”
*embarrassed silence in the room*
“Wow. Tough crowd.”
Worst Bring Your Dad To School Day EVER
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
I hate when people take my glasses, put them on, and say, “Ohhh, you really can’t see” ..NO shit..
My prediction: the Euro Cup final will be won by whichever team first figures out that there’s nothing in the rules that says you can’t grab the ball with your hands and run into the goal with it
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
[Opens hand sanitiser]
ＳＵｂｍｉＴ ＹｏＵｒ ＳＯｕＬ
ｔＯ ＥｔｅｒｎＡＬ ＨｅＬＬ ｆｉＲｅ
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
me: if you love someone set them free
boss: you’re a corrections officer. you’re not supposed to fall in love with the prisoners
me (releasing my 10th prisoner of the day): my bad
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.