Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
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My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
-Brain: Too expensive, you’ll never wear it. Don’t buy this dress.
-Heart: But what are you going to wear if someone takes you to a ball in their castle in France?
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.
When I’m feeling old, I like to visit my parents so they can push all my buttons until I lose my shit and just like that, I’m 16 again
I’m praying for you…
So if a bird shits on your car right after you wash it…
That’s from me
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
The Universe can have my atoms back.
I don’t want them anymore.
Sign at work today
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.
Make sure to like and retweet this before big toaster has this deleted.
Cashier: your total comes to $59
Guy who forgets which numbers are funny: heheh nice
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
My little toaster: *catches on fire*
Me: Coward.