Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m afraid of being murdered but only because they would record my stomach contents.

Just realized I’ve never “axed” anyone a question in my whole life.

Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…

After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy

*washing motorcycle with my shirt off

*cops show up

Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle

Talk to me, like lovers do
Judge: You wanted to approach the bench to say that?

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men

My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?

Come back with a warrant

Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids

When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?

Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.

I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”

Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.

Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.

When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card

[1hr before date]

Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken

You cause one minor incident at a museum and everyone is “Irreplaceable Egyptian mummy” this and “Could have used regular toilet paper” that

X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.

When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”

-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!

Victorian Era YouTube comments

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?

My 7yo with someone she just met, “My mom has a dairy allergy, and my dad has a kidney stone. It’s gonna hurt when he pees it out.”

I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.

If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.