Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

RIDDLER: What has–

BATMAN: A gazebo

ROBIN: Matches

RIDDLER: Let me finish-

BM: A paperweight

R: Dental floss

RIDDLER: I hate you guys

History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.

I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.

Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?

[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?

Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file

Who wants an omelet?

(3 minutes later)

Who wants scrambled?

<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?

Me: no

wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual

wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range

Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving

Me: fine but I get to do some now.

Wife: owl allow it.

Me: wait-what are you doing?

Wife: toucan play this game.

Me: I don’t like this.

If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.

Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.

My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.

Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.

I’m probably at my sexiest when I’m moving my head around trying to see if it’s a smudge on my sunglasses or an eye floaty

one thing that could really “level-up” the experience of being a pedestrian would be if cars had some kind of feature that could indicate to an outside observer whether or not they were going to turn in a particular direction

DOCTOR: I’m gonna order another round…

ME: whoa you guys serve here?

DOCTOR:…of tests.

If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?

which auto response should i send back to my dentist?

Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play

Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold

Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.

[waterloo]

napoleon: wow. that was really embarrassing

general: yea

napoleon: hope nobody writes a song about this

Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.

Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.

She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.

My middle son has two imaginary horses that he always brings to my house

It’s really sweet, but it’s costing me a fortune in imaginary hay

Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.

I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.

Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!

Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no

I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.