Nothing says I mean business like wearing a hospital gown to the pharmacy.
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[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Wow… Gmail’s auto reply has gotten really good
Told my kids the music video Land of confusion by Genesis freaked me out as a kid, so they wanted to watch it…Freaked them out too. Family traditions are important
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
*puts almost empty milk carton back in fridge*
[wife texts me from France]
“Really?”
me: dating is hard
me on a date: the platypus doesn’t have teats so they sweat milk
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
[gf comes home after spray tanning]
Hey, orange you looking good!
“Thanks”
Anytime, pumpkin!
“You’re sweet”
You’re one in vermillion!
I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too
My grandma: I found some toys in storage you can give to your daughter!
Me: oh cool what are they?
Grandma:
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.