Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?

GF: What?

M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.

GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.

The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.

Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.

People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.

A dog opens the front door.

Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.

“Hey, buddy. How was work?”

And the dog goes “RUFF.”

All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church

These lovely people in a very nice car stopped by our house to buy a bike and they looked horrified the entire time, and it was only as they left that I remembered I had strung a bunch of literal animal bones in the trees for a Halloween party.

Like there is almost no cell service where we live we can’t do this to people.

The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken

I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one

Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window

Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)

Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?

Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

My 17yo son goes to the convenience store near our house almost every day (because he eats approximately 20,000 calories a day and it’s the only place around here to get prepared food), and has befriended the Pakistani guy who owns it. Today he went in and the guy gave him a cat?

Forget a boring old urn with my ashes, when I’m dead and gone I want my kids to display my shrunken head on the mantle

i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.

Sorry not sorry.

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.

My life is like that Rihanna song :work, work and work, and then I don’t understand anything else.

One day we’re gonna discover that Squarespace has been committing countless mysterious murders, solely to fuel the Murder Podcast Industry, their no.1 source of advertisement

“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.

In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.

Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.

Crayons: come in boxes of 8, 24, 64, or 96

School supply list: box of 18 crayons

My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.