Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
You Might Also Like
I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
I’m not naked I’m wearing a hair tie, officer
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
OF COURSE I’m not on my first box of Christmas Tree Cakes! ARE YOU NUTS?!… I’m on my second.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
me (normal): hey did you watch those 67 videos I sent you last night
my friend (also normal): of course
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
The directions to this wedding are in kilometers. I’m either going to be way early or way late.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Art by Pastelkatto
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!