Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
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‘god is not a potato’ is one of those phrases that is going to live rent free in my head forever. and i’m not mad about it
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
Me to cat: quit looking at me like I’m an ingredient
Jesus, take the wheel.
Carlos, you take the stereo & I’ll take lookout.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
[standing outside the office with all the other smokers, I take out my cigar case, remove a hotdog and place it in my mouth] I’m trying to quit but it’s soooo hard
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
I’m going to open a food truck that sells chicken sandwiches. Park it next to Chick-fil-A and open it only on Sundays
It will be called Side Chick.
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
When you hear your kid shout “HERE, HOLD MY LOLLIPOP!” you know it’s about to go down.
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.