Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Dating is a win-win. If things go well, you eat food and fall in love. If they don’t, you still eat food and that’s all that really matters.

My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!

I’ll be honest. I can’t solve your problems. What I can do is create new, bigger problems that will make your current problems seem quaint by comparison.

i have one speed and it’s mosey

Made a mistake by asking the toddler how many cookies she wants… now she’s pissed that I don’t have “ten hundred cookies.”

Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?

Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?

F: ….

I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.

A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills

Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.

If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.

COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.

me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith

This will be the last time you see this meme on your TL.

Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.

Peppa pig = spicy bacon

Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs

“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”

-if animals made nature shows

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.

I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.

[Homeschool field trip to the laundry room]

Kids: Dad, what IS this place?

Me: I have absolutely no idea

This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died in France leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.

get her what she really wants this holiday season (a large quantity of potatoes prepared several different ways)

I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge

i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.

GF: “I’m telling you now! Size does not matter, it doesn’t make you any less important.”

BF: “Yeah? Well explain that to Pluto.”

please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*

My bf’s first language is french, and he forgot the word for “lid”, so instead he held up the pot and asked “where is his hat?”