Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
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In Canada they just call them geese
How do I explain to this bank teller than I’m just robbing her and not the bank?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
You know you’re an adult when you spend $100 at the grocery store and leave without any food.
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
*sees lawn gnome cartwheel into room*
*calls to renew prescription*
Do you think the courtroom bench ever comes loose and the judge is like “wait I actually have the tool for this”
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Wife gets so many weird docs from doctors and insurance companies.
One is notorious for “click here to get emailed for password good for five minutes” password sent next day
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
I’ve got 99 problems…
<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
A particularly friendly email response from me could mean either:
a) I am happily responding to you.
b) I’ve never wanted to kill someone more but I want you to do the thing that I’ve asked.
“There will be blood” is my favourite movie about hoping you get your period after the condom broke.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My Dad’s TV exploded, sparks and smoke, the whole 9 yards. I of course used this as an opportunity to tell him if took better care of his things and didn’t watch rubbish, none of this would have happened.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.