Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.

ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.

FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.

ME: Milk.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Now whenever a kid draws a Rectangle they have to pay Apple a dollar.

Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*

Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that

[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?

Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.

Thyme wounds all heels.

ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.

When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place

[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that

There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.

I became fatter.

“so doc… am I dying?”
“we’re all dying, just at different speeds”
“but what about me”
“You’re like, the Usain Bolt of dying dude lmao”

In case you haven’t checked Facebook,

It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!

My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.

If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.

Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.

being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen

Hubby got all smug when our son asked him for girl advice so I confirmed that if he wants to bag a girl like me then daddy’s the man for the job and shut that shit down

Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”

My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”

me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains

friend: how long has it been

me (looking at watch): 4 hours

We have friends coming from the Netherlands. My 8yo kept asking if their kids have grown. We couldn’t understand why she was fixated on this.

Neverland. She thought they were from Neverland.

When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.

Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…

Kids: *fighting*

Me: TWO…

Kids: *still fighting*

Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF

Kids: *brawling at this point*

Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three

Me: one mcflurry please

Cashier: the machine is down

Me: awe then one for the machine too

Bad news world, my biker gang ‘The Sons Of Panicky’ are finally back out on the streets and oh my god the traffic is SO heavy, maybe we should go back and try again tomorrow

My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.

Me: So I punch them in the chest but then I’m supposed to feel bad about it and kiss them? Worst self defense class ever.
Instructor: ok yeah, so this is actually a CPR class.

My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit