Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.

Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”

Yeah, don’t do that.

ME (a plane scientist): ah yes, the plane is clearly thirsty

Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.

Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…

Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.

[First day as a personal chef]

How do you take your poptart?

God: you’re a roly poly bug.

Roly Poly: what does that mean?

God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.

Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?

God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].

Roly Poly:

God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.

I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.

A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

Anyone want a chair?

If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too

I’m far enough into my kids’ summer camp that my clothes dryer is now just a sandbox

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.

i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”

Me: “More like alie-outs.”

Alien Leader: “On second thought…”

*zaps me dead with lasers*

Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”

Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my 4th cup of French onion soup.

I am, perchance

if the mechanic starts explaining the problem by saying “I don’t know who worked on this car before me…” you may as well just hand over your wallet and check back in a month

Inventor of the toaster:

How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

My girlfriend asked me to act like an animal in bed. So I peed on the pillow.

Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.

4-year-old: That’s it?

Me: What did you want it to be?

4: A dragon.

Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone

“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot

“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wife

Same

me: i’d like to go to this place

google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking

me: no i’m driv-

google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes

I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.

Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?