Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
this is the best interaction on twitter
Me: I’m worried that the romance has gone out of our marriage
Hub: Bet I can change your mind during the next commercial break
What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?
Asgard.
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Man buns are just the beginning, next thing you know it’ll be ok for men to have anything on their heads, like a goat or a small child
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
Son [doing homework]: What’s an example of a palindrome?
Me: Mom.
Son: Ugh. Fine. Mom can you give me an example of a palindrome?
Wife: Dad.
Son: OHMYGOD WHY WON’T YOU GUYS HELP ME
“OnlyPams”: a place for hot pics of women who dump their fiancé’s for quirky co-workers.
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
When you catch someone picking their nose it’s important that you maintain eye contact so they know you know.
Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
anybody is allowed to send me $1,400 it doesn’t have to just be the government
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Just when you think you’re raising a normal child, one day you look at your 10 y/o and she’s biting into the middle of the taco first.
Just wanted to let you all know that I have been admitted into hospital and they are keeping me in. I’ve only gone and poisoned myself, thanks to my cooking skills. What I thought was an onion for my salad turned out to be a daffodil bulb. They said I should be out early spring.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.