Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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my favorite gender
[therapy]
me: I’m really trying to change
therapist: that’s great
me: I want to be become a different person
therapist: how
me: *squeezes eyes closed* telekinesis
therapist: no
[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]
GOD: most of them are fine
ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?
God: you get high or… you DIE
Angel: dude
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Did you have a good weekend or did your 4 y/o tell a lady with grey hair in the greeting card isle to “Move it old lady!”?
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
*weather drops 2 degrees*
me: it’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
You can buy wedding cake even if there’s no wedding, those suckers don’t even check
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
こいつ天才
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
My dog thinks her entire family was murdered by a hula hoop, there’s just no other explanation.
[opening a letter]
me: oh my god
wife: what is it?
me: it just says “oh my god”
When you say “You’re gonna hate me for this” you’re making an awfully large assumption that I don’t hate you already
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
