Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
[speed dating]
Her: Nice to meet you
Me [on meth]:
I HAVE MISUNDERSTOOD THE SITUATION
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [going in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: forgetting everyone‘s name immediately after we met
Professor whatshisname: get out
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
I don’t understand how a potato can just turn one of its pimples into another potato.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I hate when boxing announcers say a boxer is “down for the count.” I don’t care that he loves Dracula I just want to know who’s winning.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
I can’t wait to get married and communicate my disdain solely through aggressive dishwashing.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
TEETH IS INNOCENT
MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother
ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—
I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no