Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
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Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
*sees window washer in a harness outside office high rise*
*holds up sign from desk*
YOU’RE NOT EVEN FLYING EVERYONE CAN SEE THE STRINGS
Me: Ma’am your pet is loud.
Lady: That’s my baby.
Me: Ma’am your pet baby is loud
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
*meeting an actual guy*
Him: Who’s your team?
Me, not a sports guy: I really enjoy a good tussle from the *reads off palm* Green Day Flockers but I love all sports ball participants
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Watched a movie on Netflix last night that was so bad, I walked out of my own house.
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Two people behind me on the bus sound like they might be on a first date.
Him: What kind of restaurant do you fancy?
Her: Anywhere with a good vegan option.
Long pause.
Him: Cool.
Her: So, what do you do?
Him: I’m. A butcher.
SOME OF MY FRIES WERE TOO SHORT TO COMFORTABLY DIP IN MY KETCHUP AGAIN WHY ME LORD
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
[courtroom]
Timothy: I was not involved
Victor: Nor was I
Lawyer: You could say it was a Vic-, Tim-less cri-
Judge: You’re all going to jail
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
saying monkeys r ur favorite animal is basically saying u like a shorter, hairier version of urself who can only communicate by screaming
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.