Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
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My husband and I play this game where we buy potato chips the other one doesn’t like so we don’t have to share.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
Just saw an eagle swoop down and pick up a baby bunny, so cute when animals are friends!
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Sorry I called the police when I saw you running, I didn’t know you did that for fun.
One of the best
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
business tip.
INSTEAD OF SAYING
“i work from home”: weak, lazy, does not sound productiveSAY
“i practically live at the office”: a real go-getter, dedicated to the grind, a worker bee
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
My uncle has two dobermans named rolex and timex.
They’re his watch dogs.
ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?
DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
Sprayed a spider with some Davidoff Cool Water & it didn’t die. Now I’m just stuck with a spider that I wanna bang.