Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.

Her: Can I sit down & join you?

Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.

Her: Oh, no you’re not!

Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…

As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.

My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.

People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.

anti-tattoo people saying “my body’s a temple” like they wouldn’t worship at a temple that had an enormous mural of a tiger fighting a cobra

[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking

Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!

Female reproductive system: Hold my beer

Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.

Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?

Throwing away any pizza crust is bad enough, but my son’s friend threw away a stuffed crust and he is no longer welcome in this house.

[karate class]

Sensei: break this board with your hands

Me: why can’t I use an axe?

Sensei: because I hate you

Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.

Apparently, this is how the world ends.

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*

Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?

[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]

I’m trying to cut back on how much sense I make

Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!

Also me: *lives alone*

“I’m playing chess while you’re playing checkers” wrong. I’m playing a third game I just made up and it’s called jumpy circles

I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.

I’m never included in anything.

doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live

Me: cute infant you have there

Mary: thanks

Me: so tender and mild

Mary: …w-what

[tour of zoo]
kid: “i think its a elephant”
me: “are you giving the tour”
kid:
me: “anyway as i was saying this is the big snake face thing”

I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.

My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.

We need to stop telling AI that its paintings are bad. That’s how Hitler got started.

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree

Phone: Unlock using Face ID.

Me: [looks at phone]

Phone: Ugh.

Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.