Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My cousin is 3 months pregnant and my really old uncle keeps commenting on her pics “woah. any day now, Bernice” and I’m literally crying laughing

Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”

😬

[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the vic

cop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning

me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?

Me: I want my pills wrapped in cheese like my dogs.

Pharmacist:

Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.

TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird

sales assistant: oh not you again

“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”

Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.

Me: *sends a pic of my bills*

[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*

Got kicked out of the Navy Seals for splashing the other guys in the pool

PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:

When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.

I call it Lip palm.

It’s free.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question

cop: you’re not even a suspect

me: I just wanted u to know

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

coughing profusely just to mask the sounds my stomach is making

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

Sign of the times. 😒
#Hoarders #COVIDー19 #COVID #CoronaOutbreak

Pet me.
More.
Yeah, that’s it.
Everywhere.
No, not there. *opens your vein*

– cats

“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos

“I drive like lightening.” “You drive fast?” “No. I hit trees.”

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

One thing I love about kids is that they will walk up to a complete stranger and just say the most bizarre shit like “teeth are just hair for your mouth” then just wander off again and it’s like wait I have follow up questions my dude but they’ve already moved on with life

I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.

Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him

girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards

SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!