Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
socratic questions
Leave the past behind. Smile every day. Never wear underwear. I don’t know. Inspirational tweets are hard.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I dropped a piece of cheese on the airplane and i know it rolled forward and some piece of shit in first class is enjoying it now
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
when will chicken evolve to the point where they hatch already coated in 11 secret yet oh so delicious herbs and spices?
I don’t go back to my hometown very often because I’ve burned too many bridges. And also because I am wanted for bridge arson.
People who are allergic to peanuts: I can’t, it’ll kill me
People who are allergic to gluten: I can’t, it’ll wreck my body
People who are lactose intolerant: Humans cannot achieve immortality anyway and life not lived to the fullest is no life at all, hand me a gallon of milk
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
I told my four-year-old nephew to ask his teacher if nursery rhymes with cows jumping over the moon is proof of the flat Earth, and my brother got big mad at me.
Transcript of Paul Ryan’s life since endorsing Trump
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
I’ve tried being less handsome but it’s like stapling water to a tree…impossible
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car