Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Parenthood is mostly reminding the kids “no eating on the couch” while you’re eating on the couch & agreeing with them that life isn’t fair.

There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes

COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.

All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.

I have seagull managers. They swoop in, screech like hell, shit all over everything, then fly away.

My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*

Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*

Me: (exists)

Wasp: I have opinions about that

The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

*looks back seductively*
[walks into doorframe]

Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.

Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.

I love the smell of relapse in the morning

[first date]

me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes

If you’ve ever planned anything with more than five people, then you know no conspiracy could possibly be real.

A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.

I’m just one bad financial decision away from a flip phone.

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Fact: 80% of plane crashes happen in the first 3 minutes after takeoff or the last 8 minutes before landing. To make your flight safer, avoid being on a plane during those times.

If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.

So it was a happy ending

4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.

Him: You… just went in?

4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.

(A museum. I took them to a museum.)

If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.

Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget

The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER

Thank you Ortega, these tacos are gonna rock

Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.

kidnapper: we have your son

dad: oh my god let me talk to him

kidnapper: very well

dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees

Criminal Tip:

Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.

As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.

Free gun.

Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse

Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?

B: Please shut up

M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters