Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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I pray every night that I never become religious…
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
the official breakfast of 2021
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
It’s so weird that we’ve only have one American president named after a cartoon cat.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
love the comedy trope when someone is fired and they turn in their gun for a position that doesnt require one
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
i love going on a date and realizing halfway through i’m never gonna see this person again in my life so i switch to the kind of honesty that only happens when you’re on a sinking whaling ship or a collapsed mine shaft
*dangling legs in the ocean*
🦈: is for me 👉👈🥺
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
*hands you a ferret*
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
My teenage niece and nephew refer to everything before the year 2000 as “the 1900’s” and, while technically correct, it still makes me want to slap them.
Spilled a can of drink over a nun, and now she’s got a Coke habit.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes