Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
My organization has hidden the gender of 5 babies around the city. We will reveal one every hour until our demands have been met
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Life hack: ask telemarketers and phone scammers to go steady seconds into the conversation and never be bothered again OR now you found love
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
Whenever I see a photo of a baby captioned “this little guy is going to change the world”, I just imagine that baby committing various crimes.
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
Dead sexy!!
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Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
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*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
Kinda rude my neighbours live next to me.