Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I said I liked it rough.

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

why are the variants starting to sound like new iphones 😭

I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.

Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells

me: jesus, all i have in the cupboard is two tins of tuna fish, an expired box of jello, and egg noodles

1950’s cookbook author’s ghost, calling from hell: well well well, not so high and mighty now, are we?

There are two types of moms: those who wish the recital had booze and those who smuggle booze into the recital.

My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her

I’m going to need to rewatch Idiocracy to see what happens next

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?

Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.

Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.

when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy

Sometimes you just need to burn everything down to start over.. take a deep breath. close your eyes and enjoy the heat..

aaaaaaaaaaaaannnnnnd apparently that’s also arson.

Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.

But if I get tinted windows, how will people see me flipping them off?

trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.

[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.

Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.

Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking

Donald Trump said he thinks we made the right decision to leave the EU. This confirms that we absolutely did not make the right decision.

I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.

Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!

David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please

[My funeral]

Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential

If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking

REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes

Me: I’m a solid eight

Friend: Wow. Out of ten?

Me: What lol god no

was going to buy this diversion safe but realized somewhat ironically that the only thing of value to my name is a can of hormel chili

Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.

Thank goodness.