Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
(grounding my kid) go outside.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
My Doberman sits on other dogs to assert dominance. I’m going to try this with my co-workers.
Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
I remember when all this was farmland!
*gestures toward internet*
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I’m not vegetarian but there are certain animals I refuse to eat:
– rabbit
– raccoon
– most kinds of bear
– moth
– Mothman
– bee (but wasp is okay)
– coconut
– whatever animal “bologna” is from
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
I resigned after being refused a pay rise and submitted six applications for my job. Mgmt gloated how far better candidates had applied to replace me. I gloated when none of them turned up for interview. Had to buy sim cards and create emails to pull this off. Totally worth it.
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.