Nothing says “till death do us part” quite like a prenup.
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[traffic court]
Your honor, I’m here to dispute 4 of my 5 tickets
JUDGE: Repeat infractions?
Ok, I’m here to dispute ⁴/₅ of my tickets
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[two astronauts in space station]
“What’s that?”
Just a hurricane
“And that?”
Great Wall of China
“And that over there?”
Drake’s eyebrows
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
putting some whiskey in my coffee cuz its ireland somewhere
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
Advertisers have been tracking exactly how much soup and noodles I’ve eaten over the last 20 years and are still somehow convinced that I can afford a Lexus.
[after Simba is presented to the animal kingdom]
Mufasa: thx for coming, now join us for the celebratory feast
the antelopes: wait, the what now?
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
If I were a Scooby Doo villain, I’d take the whole thing to court. How hard can it be to overturn the testimony of 4 kids who talk to a dog?
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
Interviewer: Tell me how did you hear about this job?
Me: Through sheer desperation and boredom, I applied to 215 jobs in 8 days while high and you responded
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Me: *in the car naked holding all of my clothes* you have to admit, the party theme was a little misleading
Wife: *driving us home * a gender reveal isn’t a theme.
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
Sorry I was gone for 3 years. I went on you-tube to watch to just one video.
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.