Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The most valuable breed of cow are the Cash

JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!

*2 hours later has organised a small festival*

Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!

Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.

Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?

Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy

[Earlier that day]

Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head

Growing up I was convinced the only reason my parents had kids was so we could change the channel on the tv.

Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away

you question the benefit of a $1000 stimulus payment and I challenge you to name a problem 1k donuts can’t solve

My son, sleepwalking, came into my room and said “Can you get the trash out of my bed?” So I went to his room and showed him there’s no trash and he said, exasperated, “Why would there be trash in my bed?” then laid down and went back to sleep.

That about sums up motherhood.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore

Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”

I’m going to start walking around in my yard all day in a bathrobe so my neighbors will build that privacy fence I always wanted.

*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time

The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word

If you’re a company that sells ground pepper a good slogan would be “Sneeze the Day.” This idea is completely free.

Someone called me an attention seeking whore today. I think.

I had trouble hearing as I was waving my thong in the air during rush hour.

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

I jammed the laundry room door and now I can’t get in there and WHY DIDN’T I THINK OF DOING THIS SOONER?!

common English mistakes:

-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place

If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.

If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.

Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.

A lil snack before dinner, Don’t knock it til you try it 🤷🏽‍♀️😭

FROM: Harvard
SUBJ: Your PhD application
We are unable to accept you at this time as “Teaching Squirrels Karate” is too cool for us.

I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day

me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?

kid: not like this

me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg

her: your legs do look longer

me: oh no

her: i’m joking

me: hi joking i’m—OH NO

Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?

Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.

“I like green peppers, but they don’t like me anymore haha.”
They never liked you. They don’t have feelings because they’re food, Barbara.