Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
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Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about
Mmmm canned fish.
It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.
The more you know.
You shouldn’t underestimate the number of places that you can’t put your finger after you’ve been chopping chillies.
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
HONEY QUICK COME HERE THERE’S A COMMERCIAL ABOUT MENOPAUSE
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Darth Vader: Join me on the Dark Side, Luke!
Luke: I’ll never join you!
Vader: We have flex hours and Pizza Fridays!
Luke: NOOOOOO!!!
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Whenever I’m having a bad day I think “Goddammit if a baby can hold their head up, then so can I.” Then I pee my pants and scream cuz that’s also what babies do.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
Wrong hole! It’s too tight!
-me putting on my watch, you pervs