Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
Me: how was your day?
3yo: goob
Me (to myself): have I been saying it wrong?
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
If you’re looking for ideas, a family bike ride is another fun way to sit and listen to your kids complain for an hour.
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
If you like a girl in the gym aggressively walk up to her and say, “Hey babe, let me show you how that exercise is supposed to be done, sweetheart.” Instant phone number.
When you want your ball, but you don’t want to get wet
🎾💧💦
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
ROMAN SOLDIER: Which one of you is Spartacus?
REBEL SLAVE 1: I’M SPARTACUS!
REBEL SLAVE 2: I’M SPARTACUS!
ME: I’m Scartapus! No, wait, I mean I’m Sta…I’m Spor… I’m Sharktopus! I’m–
ROMAN SOLDIER: Stop, we get it.
ME: Yeah, you get it. I’m that guy. *pointing at Spartacus*
If you work at a library and a barber shop you’re a barbarian
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: lol nerd
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision