Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”

Me: *Goes home*

Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.

* gets mugged *

“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”

It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.

The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.

[trick or treating]

“Oh, what a cute little…what’s she doing?”

Me: potty training.

“In my pumpkin?!”

Me: She likes the heated seat.

Everyone said I couldn’t do poetry because of my dyslexia…

But I’ve already made a vase, a kettle, and a jug. Showed em.

I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend

once I posted “it’s funny how ‘the Hague’ is like the only city that randomly decided to give itself a definite article” and everyone was like “don’t you live in Los Angeles”

There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.

Either I put a bit of weight on during the pandemic or a meteor hit my memory foam mattress last night.

Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.

I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact

He living his best life

I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..

I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.

My husband asked what I wanted for Valentine’s day

Apparently ‘a night out with my boyfriend’ is not an acceptable answer

Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

Me: Wanna have sex?

Wife: With you or in general?

Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.

Me: Can I get a sick note?

Doctor: Here u go.

Me:

Note: *coughs*

I’m sorry you think my tweets are shitty. You probably shouldn’t have inspired them.

bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size

Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”

Cute girl online: I have no idea how you’re single!

Me: Yeah I don’t know. They’re crazy I guess.

*eats ravioli out of the can with my keys*

*at the bakery*

Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”

Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”

I don’t usually post things like this on here but,

My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.

I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.

So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.