Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
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first person to make a calzone: *looking at pizza* I can fix him
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
Saturday night is for moaning My name. Sunday morning is for chanting it.
Forget first names. We should just name storms after specific people. If you told me “Jane Ellen Green” (my former trigonometry teacher in high school) was headed my way, I’d be terrified & take immediate cover
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
They say don’t eat when you’re bored but I never get bored of eating so I think I’m good.
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Surprised my wife with freshly washed towels. She didn’t ask for it but when she opened the linen closet four towels fell on her
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.
Who, you ask, turns the AC on during a polar vortex? Sociopaths, fascist dictators, my boyfriend.
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
Leo: Your natural selfishness will play to your advantage today when you spot a donut in the hands of a child you could easily overpower.
You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.
I didn’t even know there was a most alcohol consumed award on a cruise ship.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators