Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.

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[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no



“Yes, son?”

“Where do Cowboys come from?”

“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”


BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool

ME *remembering I’m me* oh no


[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts


I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me


I don’t know if what I saw silently stalking me in the woods was really Krampus or just another demonic goat creature, but I’m definitely in the holiday spirit now.


I dug a small hole in the Earth.

I did a handstand.

Im wearing the Earth as a hat.


When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.


Stranger: Ooohh what breed is he?!

Me *rolling my eyes* : He’s a doggie.


ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*

GUY: hey thanks

[we start talking]

[thirty seconds later]

GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away