[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Nothing says you married into the wrong damn family like your mother in-law crashing your honeymoon.
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“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
I don’t know if what I saw silently stalking me in the woods was really Krampus or just another demonic goat creature, but I’m definitely in the holiday spirit now.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Stranger: Ooohh what breed is he?!
Me *rolling my eyes* : He’s a doggie.
ME: *gives a dollar to a homeless guy*
GUY: hey thanks
[we start talking]
[thirty seconds later]
GUY: i’ll give you a dollar to go away