Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
You Might Also Like
Wife: You knew when we met that my job would preclude me from having children.
Me: Why? You can still investigate deaths when you’re pregnant.
Wife: Nobody puts baby in the coroner.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood!
Me, a waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Dracula: *sighing* I guess.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Notice how ghosts never wear fitted sheets?
my uber driver sat in silence for 10 minutes, then put on exactly one maroon 5 song, then turned it off and we’re sitting in silence again. this is the most complicated relationship I’ve ever been in
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
I never got why people liked sitting home without pants so much until I was without a job for a week. Now I don’t get why people have jobs.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Called my mom to check on her and we wound up arguing over whether Shrek is Jewish
‘Tis the season to wrap objects in colorful paper with the fine motor skills of an inebriated T-rex.
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.