Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
“Better safe than sorry,” I tell myself as I send the 27th text telling him my feelings.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
Just overheard a guy say he was buying a MacBook so he doesn’t have to worry about the Ebola virus. What.
Someone was saying that social media makes you miss out on your real life, but have you seen real life?
I told my kids we get visited by the Easter Chicken because bunnies don’t lay eggs.
“Now you sound ridiculous,” said 8.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Good morning
Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
tbh a witch could catch me like hansel and gretel just by making her house out of crab rangoon.
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
🙂🙃🥹
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?