Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
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If you breakdance you buy dance.
My house is clean so please don’t eat or drink or come by or let my child come home.
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
I’m taking my niece and nephew to the corn maze today. If I can’t lose them there, I’ll try the mall again.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I’m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
bet the third joker movie will just be called “jok3r”
[Awards ceremony]
“And winner of ‘The Most Unusual Name of the Year’ goes to… drum roll please…”Drumroll Please: “Thanks so much!”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Hmm, not sure about this change
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.