Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.

I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.

I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.

The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

Duck typos.

Sure, it starts off with orcas destroying boats, Next thing you know, they’re chasing my Chevy Spark down I-44.

there will never be a funnier headline than this one

Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]

Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin

Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?

My date: [to waiter] Check, please.

Lunatics are gonna loon.

The only fantasy I have in the bedroom these days is getting 7 hours of sleep.

[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife

I’ll be deep frying something later on, because Sunday is the lard’s day.

[blind date]

HER: I’d really like to have sextuplets

ME: Oh wow, me too!

HER: Really?

ME: Yeah, but why did you call me “tuplets”?

The only time I ever make a good call is when I order pizza

Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.

Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day

People at Costco really need to be less sensitive

Just listed my wife as my emergency contact and added the note “please text, she doesn’t answer calls.”

My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.

My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware

I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.

I asked my mom about parenting and she said: “the first 40 years are the hardest.”

Her oldest child is 38. 🤣

me on tinder:
– im a joker
– im a smoker
– im a midnight toker
– get my lovin on the run

Me on LinkedIn:
– Copywriter
– Habit-oriented
– Studied philosophy
– Comfortable with hard work in fast paced environments

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family

genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u

me: random rule but ok

genie: seriously don’t even try

me: ok i won’t

genie:

me:

genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work

Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.