Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why is no one talking about this?!

My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.

I take offense when people don’t invite me to events l’d like to turn down.

ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?

USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes

[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.

He was a man of peace…until they burned down his village. Now, the quest for vengeance has turned him into…A Man Of Burning Things Down

Stop telling people to grow up. Have you seen adults?!?
For the love of God everyone, please stop growing up!

[Commercial for Disneyland]

Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?

I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.

doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job

Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.

I’m no doctor but I’m pretty sure this Santa shaped chocolate oughta settle my stomach

It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house

Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.

If you force me to choose sides, I’d choose mashed potatoes.

Year 2696.
Archeologists 1: *looking at cursive written on an ancient wall* Come here, I’ve made a discovery. What does it say?
Archeologist 2: If my translation is correct it says, “For a good time, call your mom.”

adam and eve had first world problems

Vampire: I can bite you…

Me: Sweet!

Vampire: … and give you eternal life!

Me: Stop threatening me!

[every morning]

Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.

Go buy a burrito, leave it in your fridge, get drunk, come home and be your own best secret admirer.

My life coach traded me.

I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..

Pepper & I getting some sun on the patio when a herd of deer passed by. Biggest herd I’ve seen so far ever. I counted 9. Usually it’s just 3. But you know, today is Sunday maybe family came over.

Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?