Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
You Might Also Like
Why’s it called casual sex? It’s not like people in relationships have sex in top hats…well not every time.
Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
We need to go back to the days when every town only had one single, bumbling, sheriff who was constantly falling asleep while leaning back in a chair and forgetting that he’d left the town’s only jail cell unlocked
The next person to tell me a joke about Indians & call centers is getting beaten to death with my snake charming flute.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
One time I knocked my hot curling iron off the sink & caught it in my open palm because I have the catlike reflexes of a dim-witted ninja.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
I’m just here to make bad decisions, not explain them
[at the bank] hi I would like to deposit these tacos. oh and *drops a fistful of hot sauce packets on the counter* these too, thanks
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
john wicks are toilet candles
When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
Every one of my neighbors has offered to help me move which would be extremely nice if I had plans to sell my house.
When you keep wishing for a good man but all you find is a severed arm washed up on the beach
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
me: babe come quick
wife: what?
me: just hurry
wife: no, it’s always something dumb
me: not this time
*wife walks into living room*
me: i put the dog in a suit
wife: i want a divorce
me: k but my lawyer’s a ruff negotiator
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
stranger: you’re gunna look stupid with all those tattoos when you’re 80
me: listen pal, everyone looks stupid when they’re 80
same vibe as tangled headphones
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords