Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn

Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.

I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.

The enema of your enema is your friend!

~ Autocorrect wisdom

birds really just be screaming at 5am, go make breakfast damn

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN

🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet

ATTORNEY: Ladies and gentlemen, how could my client have committed murder WHEN IT’S AGAINST THE LAW [whispering throughout courtroom]

I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..

There all like awww shit,

who’s it gonna be this time

Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.

*starts watching Top Gun*
*seriously hopes Goose doesn’t die this time*

There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.

Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”

*looking at glass of wine*

*turns off phone*

Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?

Henopause

Annnd, send tweet.

OMG. I saw Leonardo da Vinci trending and thought he died.

Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?

Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!

One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.

Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.

ACCOUNTANT: *taking a look at my books* These are just winky-face emojis.
ME: Yep.
ACCOUNTANT: I think I know why your business is failing.

when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy

Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.

Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.

The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count

Do hairy people get bed head all over?

Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.

My wife and kids are away so it’s just me in the house and I was just awoken at 1:45 a.m. by the Alexa in the other room saying, “Sorry, I didn’t catch that.”

Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified

Him:

When I’m driving past a middle lane hogger, I can’t help but take a good look at the driver, as part of my extensive research into what really annoying people look like