Nothing scarier than your husband taking the kids to Petco “just to look” then texting you “we got a surprise”
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One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
[Funeral]
He died doing what he loved; throwing rocks at bears and saying “it’s fine, they’re way more scared of us than we are of them”
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Breaking news:
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Found out I can become an IT pro in as little as 1 month with no experience & now I know where my company gets their IT pros.
Nothing against Peloton, but for about a tenth of the price you can buy a bike that actually goes places.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
We’ve come full circle
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.