Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions

* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications

The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.

Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?

Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him

Son: So he’s like 100 years old?

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism

Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?

There’s a woman at breakfast with a mink purse. I guess it’s important to skin an animal alive to keep your credit cards warm… Idiot

For newbies

DOM – means Dominos
SUB – means subway

always here to help! All day 👍

I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.

It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis

My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.

13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.

“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something

i shaved my chupacabra for this?

Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

I’m really sorry you figured out my tweet was directed squarely at you, person I’ve never interacted with or thought about before.

[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh

I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?

You have to question the modus operandi of people who use Latin for no reason.

Being a mom in your 40s is putting a timer in your phone to remind yourself to be the tooth fairy.

I have a coworker that gets the same thing every day at lunchtime, diarrhea

I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.

thug: do you have a gram

drug dealer: yeah

grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit

When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.

Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?

ME: I don’t think so

WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?

ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!

My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.

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