Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
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I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
[Wendy and the Burger King having sex]
King: You like this?
Wendy: I’m loving it!
*the Burger King stops*
King: What did you just say?
Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵
Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I’m not saying I’m on Amazon a lot but I did notice it was down before they did.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
Office Tip: If you have an even slightly more advanced understanding of Excel, do not, I repeat, do not share this secret with your coworkers.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
My wife told me she “likes it rough.”
So I replaced the toilet paper roll with a sandpaper roll.
-how guys understand women
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
“I’m single and ready to mingle”..oh god, is this why I’m still single, cuz I say shit like that?
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]