Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
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A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
[Hospital]
Me:How’s my dad?
Dr:I’m afraid he’s in critical condition*shout from inside room
“You’ve never lived to up to your potential!”
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Girls are girls. They will wait for your reply without texting you!
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
We need a “your body is changing” talk for people turning 40.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Shoplifting condoms call that seizing the means of protection
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The same thing that killed Elvis?
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Yeah sex is great, but have you ever rubbed your eyes for a really long time? O. M. G.
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
They should make a sitcom where Gordon Ramsay works in a prison as a culinary instructor to prisoners with anger issues.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists