Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Him: Shake whatcha mama gave ya.

Me: *picks up crock pot

ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.

I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.

Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…

Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…

[cocktail party]

BARTENDER: *pointing at me* Mai Tai?

ME: no, it’s mine…it came with the suit.

What kind of deranged lunatic gets home from a long night at the bar and eats a piece of fruit?

Harmonicas were invented in 1932 when the worst person in the world decided he needed to organize his hot air into compartments.

Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.

*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”

If you love them set them free but if you don’t love them this still works

When someone tries to argue with me I’m like “hey pal let me stop you right there” and then physically turn them around to face someone else

If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.

Sniffing the broccoli

Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?

If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.

“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”

My parents moved a lot when I was younger.

My sister and I always managed to track them down though.

Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.

As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.

I feel it is only fair for a recipe to indicate up front how many burners it requires. For example a 3 burner recipe would be a no.

My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.

[An alternate reality where Smurfs live among us and I see Smurfette at the bar and she’s looking real good]

Me: Hey I think you’re really bluetiful

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.

Darth Vader:

“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.

Who called it raising pigs for meat and not Mama, just killed a ham?

The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.

Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.

MGM lion got me again. nearly threw my popcorn across the room