Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?

[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]

ME: …I dont remember

The trend of people going back to film cameras is a great reminder that new technology isn’t the best for everything, and also that not everyone is good at photography.

“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.

love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue

I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

My insurance rates went way down after I legally changed my middle name from Danger to Robert.

Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –

Me: And I must never open it?

Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up

This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.

My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard. 

Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.

Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.

trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter

If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

If you can’t hide the evidence, pretend to be part of an accident

I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

*crossing the River Styx*
Me: Shouldn’t we be wearing some kind of flotation device?
Ferryman: You’re already dead, so, no. And this time of year the river is gravy.
Me:*jumps in with mouth open*
Ferryman: Americans. They always fall for that

Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.

McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell

I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.

If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting

Me: I love holding your hands

Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back

Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.

If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.

Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is

Wife: That’s the Olympics

Guy: who was that?

Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote

Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?

Michaelangelo: Yea, sure, I’ll paint your ceiling.
*To himself*
Errybody gon be naked tho.