Nothing shocks you quite like finding out your friend’s younger sibling is an adult with a job and family and is not 12 years old anymore.
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Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
Ok who’s got my black socks?
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Teacher: Any questions
*raises hand*
T: NO DUMB ONES
“Can you see continent names from space”
T: FOR FU-..ugh…Not if it’s cloudy bud
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
On your first day at the beach, go up to the toughest-looking guy there, and let the air out of his water-wings.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
HI?
“The test results came back positive. You have only able to speak in state abbreviations disease”
ME?
“yes”
OH
“sorry it’s permanent”
OK
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
‘Us Weekly’ Wins Pulitzer For Outstanding Achievement In Photoshopping A Rip Between Divorced Celebrity Couple
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Me: Time to give the undergoblin the Ol’ Razzle Dazzle…
Gynecologist: We’ve talked about this…Please, stop.
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]