Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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My husband just got all pissy because I put the empty glass “he was still using” in the dishwasher, and this is my villain origin story.
Never do anything you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics
lol
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
mcdonald’s will “anything else” you to death can you wait a mcminute
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
WHY DO WE ALLOW OTHER COUNTRIES TO TAG THEIR NAME ON TO SOMETHING AND SELL US LIES WHEN THEY DO IT WRONG? CANADIAN BACON? ENGLISH MUFFINS?
My #1 “younger millennial” trait is I am young enough that playing video games is a lifelong hobby of mine but old enough that I have absolutely no desire to play online against strangers.
My beef is with The Computer and The Computer only. Outsiders do not need to get involved
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Normalize saying “the end” when you want a conversation to be over
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
You should be able to google why a couple broke up
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
this got me crying😭😭
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
