Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
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Just realized that the baby is almost 20 years old so it’s probably time I stop saying I need to lose the baby weight.
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me
How can I be too drunk to get on this plane? I’m not flying it.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Become ungovernable.
[being murdered at mom’s house]
not on the good couch please or we’ll both be in trouble
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
I’m not saying I’ve got a girl crush on you, I’m just saying lesbiadorable together.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’m soirée for my mispronunciation of French words.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*