Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sorry I hit you with my car over and over… but you kept getting up.

TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem

ME: *raising hand confidently* no

Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?

Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies

Doctor 1: YES!! done

What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?

[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.

My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.

Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess

there should be a crisis hotline to call for anyone who has witnessed me trying to eat a big leaf salad in public

[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful

Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…

remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.

Sarcasm…

Because mocking you directly would be rude.

By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

My boss just left which means I have finished all of my work for the day.

date: i had fun tonight
me: me too
me: *mashes mouth against one cheek & slowly drags it across their whole face*
me: that’s how slugs kiss

[Yelp Customer Review]

Bill’s Wild West Saloon

Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars

If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.

I wish I was as confident as my 15 yo who says he showered even though he smells like onions and rotten taco bell.

For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.

the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me

I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.

Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim