Nothing sneaks up on you quite like the age where people give you a bird feeder as a gift.
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Husband: Why are you so grumpy?
Me: I’m not grumpy.
My face:
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
priest: [hangs up the phone after talking to his boss for over an hour]”okay, that took a lot of convincing but i managed to talk him round.. yes, you can marry a penguin”
me: “omg he’ll be so pleased”
priest: “wait, did you just say he?”
me: “yes”
priest: [picks up phone again]
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I called my wife to see if she wanted me to pick up Fish & Chips on my way home from work, and she hung up on me. I think she’s still mad that she let me name the twins.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
You’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition and two prepositions is even worse. I don’t remember what website I got that off of.
Having kids is great because you get to ask fun questions like why is there a volleyball in the refrigerator?
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
My car won’t turn off in the garage unless I check the closet for monster trucks.
Tony Hawk, age 6
