Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: *starts the washer*

me, two minutes later: what’s that noise

A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.

how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before

[dinner party, setting out the main]

Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!

Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!

GF: *vomiting in sink* Ugh morning sickness

Me: Wait. . . wh-what?

GF: I’m pregnant

Me: Woah, slow down. Why did you call me sickness?

Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.

Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.

Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!

a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

My aunt gave me a dry clean only sweater for Christmas. I will never financially recover from this.

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.

Me: [lifting balaclava] what do you mean you don’t want to do a jewellery heist?

Tinder date: I thought we were gonna go on a date

Me: ok I feel like I was pretty clear in my profile I was looking for a partner in crime

picture a potato but sexy

lol i just tricked u into thinking of me naked

I stopped carrying a grudge

Weigh me now

Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”

Me: this a rush song?

Bartender: yeah, you a fan?

Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*

The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.

Finally found the perfect background for my zoom meetings

I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

airing out the snack pack

My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.

Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆

It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄

The only thing we have to fear is fear itself

AND

When a women asks if you notice anything different

It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast

Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.

Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.

[First date]

Me: What do you prefer, flat or sparkling?

Him: Water?

Me: No, my personality.

*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*

In Australia what doesn’t kill you is probably just saving you for the sharks.