Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
a cute boy moved in next door and his bedroom window is across from mine, I hope this doesn’t turn into a coming of age film.
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Not a lot of people know this but if you tell someone with chronic pain that they should “just try meditating” then they are legally allowed to poke you in the eye
My mom has a podcast but you can only hear it if you have the password to my voicemail
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
I didn’t have time to change clothes before a surprise business meeting so I had to meet with them dressed in jeans & a t shirt with a flying saucer on the front with “I want to leave” in big letters under it. (Everyone else wore a suit.) It went fine but I’m still laughing.
toddler *hands me a bag of chips*
me *opens it* *gives it back to him* *resumes showering*
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
You can never really *own* earbuds. You just have to appreciate the time you had together
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
People are less likely to keep pinching your fries off your plate if you stab their hand with your fork.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
I made a bunch of “missing” flyers, hoping we can find all the telephone poles that disappeared, but now I have a new problem.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?