Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
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Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
Mad Max Arctic Road
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Not being able to see likes on comments is a tragedy. Love it when two people are arguing and you can see all their little backup dancers
I don’t need to wait til fall to tell me my pumpkin is spicy.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
Fiction has to make sense.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Please don’t ask her what she wants for Valentine’s day. She’ll say she wants nothing. You’ll believe her and we both know how it’s going to end.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
I was 14 on tumblr stressed af about net neutrality, I ain’t even know what the shit meant
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I’m at the gym and I just saw someone put their water bottle in the Pringles holder on the treadmill.
[3am]
My demon: [dragging me down rabbit hole with me kicking and screaming]
Also my demon: there will be cookies
Me: say no more!
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun