“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein
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I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
*updates tinder bio*
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
Whenever I lose my mind, I always look
for it in the refrigerator first
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
*partner holding up finger and thumb almost touching*
Her: I am THIS close to snapping. Be warned.
Me: *gently* Aw honey they have to actually touch if you want to snap them!
*general murder sounds*
Just so funny
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
This comic I made in 2015 is my dads favorite comic in the entire world and every October he asks me to post it again… happy Halloween dad 🎃
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.