Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ashley Madison website is having problems. But instead of addressing them directly, it’ll just look for a younger hotter website on the side

hey I just met you

and this is crazy

but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions

for hours maybe

I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.

why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this

The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.

The rest of the world should fear our military.

We have the most cutting edge technology 1954 had to offer.

7yo: You know if you didn’t have kids you could turn my room into a tea room.

So now we know her plans after I die.

Revenge is a dish best served with a laxative that looks like chocolate.

*Brings 8 year old back to hospital nursery with receipt*

This one doesn’t listen anymore…Can I get a new one?

They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.

I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.

M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.

H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.

M-

H-

M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.

Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.

*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!

Bank: You mean money?

*giggles*
Oh, bother…

– Pooh robbing a bank

Sam can’t find a tennis ball, and wants me to throw this small rock. Ladies & gentleman, this is the face of addiction.

My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.

Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.

Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.

Nobody:

My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]

#FeaturesIWishMyHouseHad
Wish it had walls

In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up

If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.

What do you call a woman that sets her credit card bills on fire?

Bernadette.

I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there

Skipped the gym today to go to McDonald’s. The bus did not come back, so I had to walk 2 miles home. Well played, universe.

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?