Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
You Might Also Like
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Always…
I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.
“..so that’s the story of Christmas. Questions?”
Where do turtledoves come from?
“Well, when a turtle and a dove really love each other..”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
If you ever feel stupid just know that I once cried bc I thought I ran over a crow but it was just a black work glove that was already dead.
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
My husband breaking the news to my kids: We’re probably not going anywhere this weekend.
My kids: NOOOOO!
Me: ʸᵉˢˢˢˢ
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Looking for recipe ideas, I’d like to use up this uranium before it goes bad.
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
Help Wanted
I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.
I thought my house was falling down but it’s just my 4 year old working on his drum solo with my pots and pans
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”