Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
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A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
ME: Do you ever think you’re being mean because you secretly like me?
MURDERER [twists foot on the rug] I don’t know, maybe
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
My cousin started a group chat and I’m about 3 real questions away from them kicking me out.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.
Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
The Murphy bed mishap was as hilarious as it was fatal.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air