Nothing takes longer than the Amazon truck, that is 4 stops away
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confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean
me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water
3: [smiling] I already got ice water
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
*is somehow finally able to leave Hotel California*
FRONT DESK: ok that will be $382,197,067.92
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
If I was a boss I would treat my goons right. They would know love. “You got it, boss” will be met with “Stay safe out there, boys. You’re my pride and joy”
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Sorry my emotional support panther ate your emotional support peacock.
Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
[date]
Her: tell me something about yourself
Me: *remembers girls like tough guys* I killed a man
Her: …
Me: *remembers girls also like sensitive guys* but I cried afterwards
Unimpressed
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
As I walked through the valley of the shadow of death, I pooped my pants a little bit. Not gonna lie.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Me: so then you bring in 3 investors and like they bring in 3 investors and it just keeps going and going until we all get rich. You get it?
Pharaoh: i actually love this
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!